Jordan Carl Hunt: Letter to the Editor: Keep your values, accept the LGBTQ Community

Letter to the Editor: Keep your values, accept the LGBTQ Community

Category: AggieLife , ASUSU , LGBT , Social Justice , Utah State University

--This is my very first Letter to the Editor, which appeared in The Utah Statesman on December 5, 2011. Each ASUSU Officer is given the opportunity to publish once a year in the "ASUSU View". The names within this article have been changed.

For a 20 year old gay man living in Utah, I have to admit-- when it comes to LGBTQ issues, I’m pretty sheltered. I’ve seen The Laramie Project a few times and I have a basic understanding of who Harvey Milk is. Other than that, I am pretty clueless (which reminds me, I’ve seen Clueless-- plus 5 points). I’m writing from the perspective of a gay man, but I’m not an expert on the spectrum of colors in the LGBTQ rainbow.

There are a range of responses when a child comes out, including both negative and positive. An example of a negative reaction from a parent could include calling their child a sinner, promoting reparative therapy (‘curing’ homosexuality), or kicking the child out of the house. Examples of positive reactions could be “I’m disappointed, but I love you” or “Great!” or even “I’m going to need some time to deal with this”. When a parent responds negatively studies show these children are at more risk for suicide, drug use, alcohol abuse, HIV/AIDS, and homelessness. Every parent is well-meaning, even those who suggest reparative therapy. However, well-meaning parents with a negative message will ultimately damage a very fragile relationship with their child.

Growing up gay in Utah was not always fun. I realized at a young age that I was different. In the sixth grade when Regina found out I thought Aaron was cute, I felt like she told everyone. My life was toast. It wasn’t a coincidence that I moved the next summer. During my high school years, I didn’t date like most people. I went on dates with girls like most boys, yes. And I went on dates with boys later in my teen years. Until I came out of the closet, I didn’t talk about my experiences dating. I’m lucky—My family was really supportive and accepted me at a very early age. I started coming out at 15. I made it Facebook official at 18. I even went to my senior prom with a boy. It was a big deal for me.

Despite my family’s support, my relationships with men were developmentally disadvantaged. I didn’t have the same amount of time to process and realize my sexual identity because what came natural to me was socially unacceptable. This idea is called “gay age”—gay people’s relationship skills are hindered compared to heterosexuals because of pressure to suppress gay thoughts and feelings. LGBTQ youth have few role models. Straight children can watch their parents and (usually) see how a healthy heterosexual couple acts, but gay kids have to learn about relationships from the media: tv, the internet, etc. and it can cause problems. Clearly this isn’t the parents fault and parents can teach valuable communication and relationship skills that will provide a valuable basis for relationships. However, I think children will look for people who are like them. Many men are never at peace with their sexual orientation. It is not uncommon for gay men to be in their 20’s or 30’s to finally come out of the closet and just barely begin to develop healthy dating habits. That is a tragedy. These are our brothers, our uncles, our fathers, and our friends.

In Utah, I think it is easy to blame the LDS church and sheltered “Utah Mormons” for the difficulties LGBTQ children in our state face. That’s folly. Was the way Regina treated me specific to Utah? No. People are bullied all over the nation. I think the difference between 2001 and 2011 is the understanding. There is a growing understanding that using the word faggot or saying “that’s gay” are not ok. I would like to add “sinner” to that.

Some people believe homosexuality is a sin. That’s fine for them. However, there is a difference between thinking and believing something and when, where, and how it should be expressed. The words I use to describe someone and the values I attach with those words inherently reflect what I think about them. When you tell a gay person they are a sinner, your values-laden message is laced with negativity, even if it accompanies an affirmation that god loves them and wants them to repent. Although I mention the impact of a parent’s reaction above, I think a friend’s reaction also affects the person’s self-esteem and identity.

I don’t mean to say this is easy. People will step on each other’s toes. I think accepting our gay loved ones comes in steps (just as coming out), but the early stages of acceptance are cruicial. If only we can train ourselves to say, “I love you no matter what. Can we talk about this more? I am going to need some time”.

Perhaps by changing the words we use to describe one another we can create an environment where being gay is okay. I don’t want anyone to change their beliefs, but I urge you to understand you can love LGBTQ individuals and accept them as part of society, even if you don’t believe that being gay is right for you personally.

I urge Utah State students to consider the language they are using when they talk to their friends, make jokes, taunt opposing teams, or find out a loved one is gay.

Comments (4)

John Tyrrell said on December 5, 2011 1:25 PM
	The problems you address are not specific to Utah or even to the United States. Your older readers will appreciate that despite the continuing problems we have made a lot of progress, certainly in my lifetime. Best wishes John